


The Mince Spy

by christinefromsherwood



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, M/M, Poetry, Secret Santa, the whole bloody thing, yes this rhymes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21771967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinefromsherwood/pseuds/christinefromsherwood
Summary: Initially inspired by the irresistible Christmas cracker pun:Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.and Souffle saying she wanted a fluffy Christmas 00Q fic.And then I started writing and rhyming and this happened.If you just sit and listen, people.Just sit! I’ll tell you why.You see, I have a story for youAbout one special mince pie.When snowflakes fall on MI6And fairy-lights appear,Then every agent wants a missionDespite the Christmas cheer.
Relationships: James Bond/Q
Comments: 40
Kudos: 53





	The Mince Spy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soufflegirl91](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soufflegirl91/gifts).



> I hope you have fun reading this. :)

If you just sit and listen, people  
Just sit! I’ll tell you why.  
You see, I have a story for you  
About one special mince pie. 

When snowflakes fall on MI6  
And fairy-lights appear,  
Then every agent wants a mission  
Despite the Christmas cheer.

For there’s a danger in the air  
Which every agent fears:  
The Q-branch Secret Santa party;  
It’s been going on for years.

R’s the event organizer;  
She’s the one who bakes.  
Every advent into Q branch  
She brings her Christmas cakes.

Many boffins high on sugar  
Of boundaries lose sense.  
They hack and steal and wiretap;  
It makes the agents tense.

Bond’s an old hand at this business.  
So on December the Third  
He ran to his friend Moneypenny  
Before the newbies stirred.

“I want a mission. I want it far!”  
Bond barked without a greeting.  
Unbeknownst to the eager agent  
Eve and R had had meeting.

For there was one other person  
They considered a Grinch  
Q had told them: “No, thank you.”  
Without the smallest flinch.

“It’s fate! It’s magic - Q and Bond.  
It’s simply meant to be!”  
“If only you could hear them flirting  
It’s there for all to see.”

So when the agent made his entrance  
\--And he really was quite rude!--  
Moneypenny shrugged her shoulders  
And told him he was screwed.

“There’s no mission for you, Bond.  
It’s the regulations.  
You’ve worked too many Christmasses.  
Go visit your relations.”

Thus that evening Bond took his place  
In a line in Q’s department  
Into R’s hat he stuck his hand  
And drew out a piece of parchment.

Damn all the stars! Damn his luck!  
Bond cursed the gods above.  
Now he’d have to find a present  
To give to his true love.

The past three years he’d been lucky:  
He had been abroad.  
He didn’t have to stand and watch  
What dates his Quartermaster brought.

He knew what Q thought of him  
\--Though he was never cold--  
Q was light and tea and laughter  
And Bond was just too old.

Now he’d have to find a present  
And risk looking like a tool.  
For Q would surely see right through him!  
James Bond was a lovesick fool.

If he weren’t and used his skills  
Of a seasoned spy  
He’d know that Q in his spare time  
After Bond’s blue eyes did sigh. 

That one time Bond had asked him:  
“Shall we go and grab a bite?”  
Q had been assigned a mission  
Through the whole damn night.

Now Q cracked his hacker fingers  
Into a cake he made a dent  
He would woo the blue-eyed agent  
With the best Christmas present.

Meanwhile Bond in his despair  
Took to dumpster diving.  
And in front of Q’s flat he found  
That for which he was striving. 

_Tesco Finest_ said one packet  
Another: _Mr. Kipling_ _  
_ They were all from deep filled mince pies,  
And to Bond’s fire: kindling.

Now he knew what he should do!  
It’d be a simple token:  
He’d make Q a few mince pies  
His own heart would stay unbroken.

Our James Bond wasted zero time  
Off to the shops he rushed  
By the time he arrived home  
His bags were full, cheeks flushed.

He’d remembered Kincaid’s wife  
Made her mincemeat in advance  
Off to the kitchen James Bond rushed,  
He’d leave nothing to chance.

Now our Q knew his R&D  
Had all his tech top-notch.  
He’d installed a couple sensors;  
And on his home kept watch.

Thus Q saw as Bond, James Bond  
Rummaged through his bin  
He shook his head, he scoffed,  
he tapped fingers on his chin.

He’d thought to send a virus,  
On Bond’s search history keep eye.  
But now he found he rather worried  
About the sanity of his spy.

The last mission had been awful  
And Bond evaded Psych.  
Q knew what he had to do,  
He went to grab his bike.

Bond opened raisins, opened currants,  
On his old brandy cracked the seal  
He was just about to squeeze the lemons  
When his doorbell gave a peal. 

“Fuck the lemons of the world!”  
Bond shouted from his sprawl.  
Into his eyes he’d squeezed the juice,  
Into the mincemeat bowl did fall. 

Cross and cursing on the floor  
That’s how Q found his James.  
But his eyes looked pretty, even  
With dried fruit on his face  
  
Q knew what had happened then  
Saw R’s parchment on the table  
He rushed into Bond’s arms  
As fast as he was able.

One kiss was just not quite enough  
Q kissed his James again  
While Bond was lying on the floor,  
Worried for his brain.

Was this a dream? Had he cracked?  
He couldn’t believe his luck.  
Or was Q really kissing him?  
In which case: The fuck?

Q stopped his kisses then  
And gently stroked Bond’s cheek.  
Bond was sure he wasn’t dreaming  
When Q began to speak:

“Tell me what you want for Christmas,  
I don’t know what to buy.  
You see, I got what I’ve always wanted:  
My very own mince spy.“  
  
Bond simply had to snog him silly,  
Then said: “Dearest Q,  
All I want for every Christmas  
Is my bed, champagne and you.”

**Author's Note:**

> ['Twas the Night Before Christmas - 00Q, trailer inspired](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21695101)


End file.
